The Wrath of Don Flamenco
Justin Watson
Issue date: 11/19/09 Section: Features
But this time……where the hell did that left cross come from? He has a jab? WHO THE HELL HAS A JAB IN PUNCH OUT?!?!? What is it about the new blue ring that suddenly turned this dude who wears Capri pants into a modern day cannibal? Is it the new aqua gloves? Did he put bricks in them? He taunts you, so you try and deck him in his mouth. He just blocked…and blocked again. Flamenco smells blood, and starts hitting you harder than the realization you're adopted. "Flamenco strikes back!! Return of Don!" he screams between round 1 and round 2. Indeed, Don, indeed.
Donny Flamenco taught you a couple of important lifelong lessons on that dark somber day, and you better not forget them:
1) Humility.
Just because you defeat someone once doesn't mean you will always succeed the second time. Stay hungry, and be ready for that appeal.
2) Work smarter, not harder.
I suppose one could make the argument that Mr. Flamenco got wrapped up with a gambling ring and guys having nicknames like "Wrench" and "Knuckles," and had to throw that first fight. I posit it to be more likely he juiced before the second. While one could make the historical case that the Spanish are indeed gamblers (Fountain of Youth expeditions through Florida; bulls rampaging through the streets on purpose; that whole 'send the entire Armada north' thing), recent soccer, tennis, and cycling exploits would suggest the Spanish in modern times are winners, and have adopted a calculated approach to doing so. And sadly, that means performance-enhancing drugs.
I know, this is the kind of thing you'd expect from Von Kaiser, the Berliner at the height of Cold War when the East German werewolf women were winning Olympic Medals with Vienna sausages in their shorts. But Kaiser fought like a guy who's seen Hasselhoff live. I'll bet you a subscription to Nintendo Power he's the one who got Flamenco to the "next level" with the same stuff that turned A-Rod into the only guy in baseball who both hits fifty home runs in a season and drinks wine coolers. Communists can't be trusted, and neither can a man with a curly mustache. Kaiser's both.
'Lil Mac, on the other hand, got ready for his fights by running around in a pink bunny suit chasing Al Roker on a bike. Who was working smarter?
3) Expect the unexpected.
The Spanish have a proven history of dressing in silly outfits, confusing you with sexual undertones, and then whipping ass whilst their opponents are giggling hysterically. Their deceptive tactics reached an apex when in 1997 the world was so entranced with Nick Cage's performance in "Con Air," that Enrique Iglesias was able to silently infiltrate pop music for good. Similarly, you crammed for your Contracts I final by studying waltzes and Harrier jets when you should have been memorizing every Restatement section your professor ever even thought about mentioning in class. In other words, the sexy, fun stuff in the law is merely there to distract you from your real mission: knowing when to choose "e) All of the above," one more time.
Donny Flamenco taught you a couple of important lifelong lessons on that dark somber day, and you better not forget them:
1) Humility.
Just because you defeat someone once doesn't mean you will always succeed the second time. Stay hungry, and be ready for that appeal.
2) Work smarter, not harder.
I suppose one could make the argument that Mr. Flamenco got wrapped up with a gambling ring and guys having nicknames like "Wrench" and "Knuckles," and had to throw that first fight. I posit it to be more likely he juiced before the second. While one could make the historical case that the Spanish are indeed gamblers (Fountain of Youth expeditions through Florida; bulls rampaging through the streets on purpose; that whole 'send the entire Armada north' thing), recent soccer, tennis, and cycling exploits would suggest the Spanish in modern times are winners, and have adopted a calculated approach to doing so. And sadly, that means performance-enhancing drugs.
I know, this is the kind of thing you'd expect from Von Kaiser, the Berliner at the height of Cold War when the East German werewolf women were winning Olympic Medals with Vienna sausages in their shorts. But Kaiser fought like a guy who's seen Hasselhoff live. I'll bet you a subscription to Nintendo Power he's the one who got Flamenco to the "next level" with the same stuff that turned A-Rod into the only guy in baseball who both hits fifty home runs in a season and drinks wine coolers. Communists can't be trusted, and neither can a man with a curly mustache. Kaiser's both.
'Lil Mac, on the other hand, got ready for his fights by running around in a pink bunny suit chasing Al Roker on a bike. Who was working smarter?
3) Expect the unexpected.
The Spanish have a proven history of dressing in silly outfits, confusing you with sexual undertones, and then whipping ass whilst their opponents are giggling hysterically. Their deceptive tactics reached an apex when in 1997 the world was so entranced with Nick Cage's performance in "Con Air," that Enrique Iglesias was able to silently infiltrate pop music for good. Similarly, you crammed for your Contracts I final by studying waltzes and Harrier jets when you should have been memorizing every Restatement section your professor ever even thought about mentioning in class. In other words, the sexy, fun stuff in the law is merely there to distract you from your real mission: knowing when to choose "e) All of the above," one more time.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
don
posted 11/20/09 @ 10:36 AM EST
Ha. Don Flamenco Reference via Google Search. Terrific context.
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posted 11/29/09 @ 5:24 AM EST
The Spanish have a proven history of dressing in silly outfits, confusing you with sexual undertones, and then whipping ass whilst their opponents are giggling hysterically. (Continued…)
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posted 12/14/09 @ 2:42 PM EST
It is a very informative article.
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